I struggled to sit down in front of my computer this morning.

Yes, there was the list of things to do, the obligations, the opportunities…

But in truth, I don’t know that any other choice mattered.

I knew I needed to write, but I didn’t want to.

I didn’t feel “inspired”, with a strong lead on content for today. I’m in the middle of a lot of ideas and choices with potential, ideas that require steps, and I don’t know how to manage them.

I’m also a little scared.

It feels silly to write this, as someone who let too much of her day go by and who now sits in her [hot] seat trying to wrestle through words before my deadline of a commute to work.

I’m tired, I’m only a little less hungry than I was before (time to go back for more food? No, Bekah, you’re writing! the spunky little voice says), and I’d like to believe that I have enough in me to map out my work for tomorrow, though it doesn’t seem promising.

My writing is getting bigger, and so I need to make bigger-writing decisions. When do I start an email list? How much money do I invest this early? Will I feel stretched too thin with the various platforms and follow-ups to maintain and send?

Get the words down, I remind myself. Just get them down.

When my nerves bristle and I realize that I need to do more than just write, not because I have to but because, truly, I want to, my blood curdles.

Is this how it feels to own the dream? Is this what it means to do the next thing, the scary thing, that helps me realize the bigger thing I want down the road?

I can’t reach the finish line without taking this step, the one in front of me.

I look around, desperately looking for an out, something or someone to tell me that I can continue moving forward the way I have, that, surprise! there’s an alternative, and all I need to do is redirect.

The out doesn’t come.

And I stay in my shoes without moving them, because they won’t move for me, and I realize that the thing moving me is inside me, not outside.

I don’t pray about my writing as much as I might. I think I’m in a stage of recognizing that the work won’t do itself, so I put my nose to the grindstone and proceed to write. I do the thing, and then I close my computer and wonder what I just did. It isn’t glamorous. No one has my list of accomplishments to compare to what others have done, and no one can measure what I might’ve done if I’d tried options A, B, or C, or some combination…

I’m rambling here, but I think I’ve come to the conclusion that daily writing, and further, choosing to share my writing, is an act of faith.

Word by word, stringing together letters and words to convey thoughts and images and stories… How do I know where it will all lead?

Testimonies, challenges, possibilities… How do I know who needs them?

So I continue to write, to compose, to form my thoughts into something vaguely coherent that might serve you, my reader. Every opening of myself opens me to God and to other people. Many factors and details of life lie outside my control, but I can participate and welcome the work of God through these letters, these thoughts, one day at a time.

And “Writing” is just one outfit that Faithfulness wears in my life right now, because when I choose writing, I choose the way God made me and my calling. I choose the dreams that are bigger than my imagination. I choose the daily discipline of doing hard work when no one’s watching. I choose the outlet that makes me a better friend, wife, family member, and Christ follower.

Maybe Writing isn’t a costume you recognize for your own call to Faithfulness. Can you name another one?

Is it Organizing, Coaching, Parenting, or Managing? Is it Serving Others, or Self-Management?

Whatever clothing it wears, noticing how Faithfulness looks in your life will help you take immediate steps to reinforce your design and calling as we enter the holidays. The more you choose Faithfulness in the days before the holidays, the more you will notice if you give it up during the holidays! It won’t always be fun, but it can become a more fundamental and life-giving part of who you are and how you do life.

What does Faithfulness look like for you right now? How can you choose Faithfulness in the days ahead?